(this will remain untitled)

Sometimes I am afraid that there might be a deception in my reality. That I don't really understand right or wrong, or the effects of the things that I say or do. Indecisiveness can really hurt a person, and it is sad to say that it has really hurt me. All my life I've been afraid to stand up for myself because I've been afraid of being wrong or put in my place. I have let people walk all over me, never saying a word about it to their faces, keeping a friendly smile that is hard to see through. I have kept very sensitive things bottled inside my entire life, because I felt that it just wasn't worth bringing up. I could never win the battle, so why even try? My passive aggressiveness has put me in a terrible spot in my life a time or two. My ability to act like someone I really am not makes it hard to let people inside. The truth is, I don't even know if that last statement is true; that I act like someone who I really am not. I don't know which it is that I really am. I've always been sensitive, and delicate. I've never been able to do anything remotely wrong without feeling extreme self guilt. Want to know one of my favorite things to think? That deep down inside, I am a happy person. A happy person who just gets sad frequently. I make myself believe that, because it is a very nice thing to think. I want it to be true. The last thing I want to be is some broken, pathetic, purposeless drag that no one really wants to know. I don't want to think that my world is somehow detached from the world that everyone else lives in, though often times I feel like I am going through my life as if it was a dream. I avoid confrontation, because it frightens me. I get hurt easily, and often times I retaliate back. I am stupidly afraid of being wrong or being rejected. As friendly as people think I am, I am not good at making friends. To be honest, I have never really been a very good friend. I have always been afraid of the obligations that come with a friendship, when really sometimes a friend is all that I am dying to have. I am good at being socially secluded. I tried being social once, and that fact that I couldn't handle it ended up with me, as well as others, being very hurt and afraid. It scares me that I don't understand my own emotions, or how to deal with them. Often I just want to talk to someone, but all the while I push everyone away from me. It is not that I think that my life is so hard or unbearable, because I am always able to tell myself that it could be worse. It is simply that when things hit me, they literally hit me hard.

This is very vulnerable of me to share all of this, but all of this hurts me. I can never make up my mind, I feel like I never know when I am right and when I am wrong. And I'm scared, because I feel like I am alone in figuring myself out, while others look at me and think that I'm just being irrational. This is real hurt inside of me, and it has been there for a long time. I need someone's help, I just don't know who to ask. God, maybe. I don't know. I just need to let everyone know that I am not perfect. I am actually rather imperfect. If I act like I am better than you, it is because I am uncomfortable or afraid. It is not pity that I keep inside of me, it is sadness. You have every right to judge me, because, as much as it hurts to admit, I have judged, too. I have done wrong, and I am no better than anyone else. There is not a day that goes by that I even think that I am close to perfect. 

I'm just confused. 

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

It is always a sad time for a writer when they lose their inspiration to write.

 When the raincloud swallows you whole and makes you feel as if happiness is the earth that is being eroded and washed away with every acid drop that life pours down, it is easy to just sit inside a dark house and watch the world crumble through the window. It is all too easy to tell yourself that there is nothing you can do, because honestly- who can stop the rain? It is easy to stay inside and cry, hiding within yourself and the walls sheltering you from the outside elements. It is easy to blame others, blame God, blame fate- blame anyone for the things that you feel are so out of your control. What's hard is accepting that the rain might not stop, now or maybe ever. Realizing that you can't hide inside forever. What's hard is finding the strength to put on your rain boots, grab your umbrella, and walk outside. The rain cannot control you, so why not embrace it? Go ahead, splash in some puddles. The sun might not be out, but you can make your own. What we have to realize is that without the rain and hard things that shower our lives, nothing can grow. Beautiful things can come from heartache.

Don't ever give up, and don't ever be afraid to play in the rain.