Someone, please give me a chance.

Whenever I think of myself in the future, I can't imagine myself blending into society, feeling like I haven't accomplished anything great that I've wanted to do. Well, I mean I can imagine myself in this situation, it just hurts me to do so. Of all of the options that I feel like I have available to me to become, I don't find myself wanting any of them. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a business owner, I don't want to be that person that you never hear about. I've had a dream that once a spark, it had the opportunity to catch into a flame, but that fire was put out. Time and time again. What I really want to do, I feel is unreachable for a girl from Richmond with little money. I haven't even let myself see it as an option as I've been growing up, because it would sounds sadly cliché and is well out of my realm. With as much heart as I can say this with- I want to be an actor, on the silver screen. All I want is to be famous.

When I was eleven years old, I heard an ad on the radio for aspiring actors and models of all ages. A talent agency from Ohio was scouting local talent from my area to be represented at the national convention, AMTC (American Model and Talent Competition). Somehow, after begging my Mom to take me and my sister to audition, all three of us auditioned- and all three of us made the cut. We were told that we had "it". I had never been so excited and hopeful in my entire life up to that point. It was a very, very costly ordeal, and my family was struggling financially as it was- my Dad had just lost his job, we had to move and live in a little trailer from my past. We had practically no money, but through the love and support of family and friends the trip was made possible. We received training and had professional photo shoots to advertise ourselves to agents. The convention was held in Orlando, Florida. Thousands upon thousands of contestants were present to show the world what they had to offer. Hundreds of scouting agents were in attendance- modeling, commercial, movie, television- you name it. They were looking for people who had just the right glimmer for what they needed. This was the biggest thrill of my entire life. All I wanted to do was to be on TV. There was a time in the convention when the agents had stands set up, and contestants went around to agent's tables to market themselves. Later we would receive a list of agents that wanted us for their companies. When we got those lists, my heart was racing. I was to afraid that no one would want me. My sister and Mom had maybe one or two agents that had called them back. I looked at my sheet, and I had four agencies that wanted what I had to offer. No words could describe my excitement, the hope that I felt when I saw that list. I was actually good. I was going to be famous, my dream was turning into real life. I was absolutely glowing. I am also unable to describe my hurt, and anger, and anguish, when I was told by my mother that enlisting with an agent was expensive, and that there was absolutely no way that we could afford that. I was absolutely, completely, crushed. I was eleven years old, and I didn't really understand. I just thought it was unfair. I cried. Still to this day, I cry. I see young people, people that are my age, on TV and in movies and all I can seem to think to myself is "That could have been me". It hurts so badly to know that I could have been doing what I love if I had only been able to afford. I had the chance, then the chance was stolen away from me. In no way do I blame it on my family or anyone else, there's not much we could have done.

Now I am attending a college in my home town, knowing that I am getting a college degree for a job that I will maybe only be settling for. All I want is for someone to notice me again. I want to opportunity to go and put myself out there. But honestly, how would I do it? I am going to college, I am a host at a restaurant. I can't just run off and try to live somewhere like New York or Hollywood. I don't have the money. My self esteem hinders me from many things. I don't believe that I would be successful entirely. I need those who tell me that I can do exactly what it is that I want to do, that I can do anything. I don't know what I would do without them.  I am afraid that my whole life I will watch movies and just be dying on the inside because I never got the chance to know. To know, if given the right tools and resources, that I could have made it. I don't want to live with that lingering "what-if" my whole entire life. It's ripping me apart.

I had a chance, and I want that chance back.

The Sound of Silence.

Silence is one of my dearest friends, and yet, she can be one of my greatest enemies. Within the arms of Silence I feel safe; I become less vulnerable when I have Silence. To me, Silence is comfort, a quiet place that I can take myself to where I may be safe within a fortress surrounding my heart. Silence's brother is Solitude, whom I can adore and abhor all at the same time for the way he makes me feel. When I am with Solitude, I am alone and safe from the realms of pain and reality that everyone faces day to day. There was once a time when these two were the greatest friends that I had; they were there for me, they protected me and kept me safe. So often were they the only friends I knew to run to when I felt that no one else could help. But now my friends have become dated, and instead of helping they hurt me, and they hurt those around me. So to these friends who have been holding me back; there was a time when you were well met. But there comes a time when old friends need to learn their place.

Some things that have been brought to my attention today;

If you build up enough pressure inside of a vessel, the laws of physics suggests that the pressure will eventually become too much and the vessel is likely to explode, causing damage to the vessel or anything in close proximity. 

If you look at someone and think to yourself, “Hey, they seem pretty normal”, there’s a great chance that they are probably not, but actually just master hiders. You would probably never guess that the smile you are admiring for its genuine gleam is actually an automated reflex of practiced generosity. They say that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but that doesn’t mean that smiling is always easier.  

If you blame all of your problems on others, you have a perception problem. If  you take the blame for everything that happens on your life, you have a guilt problem. It must be understood there are things that will or have happened that you simply can not control, and you must not blame yourself completely for the cause, effect, and the way these things make you feel. People are simply faced with different situations, and if you take the blame for all of the hurt and sadnesses of yourself or others, you are not going to be a happy being. On the other hand, you must accept responsibility that there are many things that are or have been in your control. You can not always blame everyone and every thing but yourself on the circumstances of your life. It is much easier to blame the world for your strife than to make an effort to fix and forgive, but quite frankly, no one likes a whiner. If you are going to complain about your life and all of the wrongdoings that the world has placed upon you without doing anything to solve the problem, do us all a favor and keep the pity party to a party of one.

If you try to stay positive about your life by telling yourself that there are people out there who have more serious problems and that you should be thankful for what you have, you have a good heart. Though this is a very generous way to think, it can also put yourself in a small boat on a  raging sea of hurt and confusion. Just because your problem might not seemingly be as detrimental as someone else's, that in no way means that it should not be considered important, and that it is not seriously hurting you. When you live in a dysfunctional family and suppress the fact by telling yourself that it could be worse, that doesn't mean that you are not living in a dysfunctional family. It is okay to admit and address problems, because by not doing so you could seriously be hurting yourself in the long term. 

If you are sensitive or very emotionally involved, don't feel bad. You are not alone, and it's probably not your fault. Some people are simply born that way, just like how some people are born athletically inclined or with freckles. It is just who you are, and even though you may have been ridiculed and picked on time and time again for being a "baby", don't be ashamed of it. If seeing someone do a kind act for someone else who needs it makes you choke up a little, that's okay. If you are an adult and still want to cry when your pet geckos that you have had for merely a few months die, don't be ashamed. There are many people out there like us who would be willing to cry with you, for you, or because of you; so never fee like you are alone.

There are many things that I have been through in my life that I wish had never happened. There are many things about myself that I do not like. I am very passive aggressive, and I find that I cry more than I like to admit. I run away from things and my feelings get hurt far too easily. This being said, there are also many things that I do like about myself. I like my eyes and my feet. I like that I am fairly talented. I also like the fact that right now, I can realize and admit the things that I don't like about myself. I find that admirable, in a purely non- cocky kind of way. If anything, I want others to know that feeling hurt, or sadness, or being sensitive; it is all okay. There is always going to be someone out there who cares about you and what you are going through. 

Celebrate yourself for who you are, and if you ever need some glue to fix some broken pieces; remember that there's always some available. 

(this will remain untitled)

Sometimes I am afraid that there might be a deception in my reality. That I don't really understand right or wrong, or the effects of the things that I say or do. Indecisiveness can really hurt a person, and it is sad to say that it has really hurt me. All my life I've been afraid to stand up for myself because I've been afraid of being wrong or put in my place. I have let people walk all over me, never saying a word about it to their faces, keeping a friendly smile that is hard to see through. I have kept very sensitive things bottled inside my entire life, because I felt that it just wasn't worth bringing up. I could never win the battle, so why even try? My passive aggressiveness has put me in a terrible spot in my life a time or two. My ability to act like someone I really am not makes it hard to let people inside. The truth is, I don't even know if that last statement is true; that I act like someone who I really am not. I don't know which it is that I really am. I've always been sensitive, and delicate. I've never been able to do anything remotely wrong without feeling extreme self guilt. Want to know one of my favorite things to think? That deep down inside, I am a happy person. A happy person who just gets sad frequently. I make myself believe that, because it is a very nice thing to think. I want it to be true. The last thing I want to be is some broken, pathetic, purposeless drag that no one really wants to know. I don't want to think that my world is somehow detached from the world that everyone else lives in, though often times I feel like I am going through my life as if it was a dream. I avoid confrontation, because it frightens me. I get hurt easily, and often times I retaliate back. I am stupidly afraid of being wrong or being rejected. As friendly as people think I am, I am not good at making friends. To be honest, I have never really been a very good friend. I have always been afraid of the obligations that come with a friendship, when really sometimes a friend is all that I am dying to have. I am good at being socially secluded. I tried being social once, and that fact that I couldn't handle it ended up with me, as well as others, being very hurt and afraid. It scares me that I don't understand my own emotions, or how to deal with them. Often I just want to talk to someone, but all the while I push everyone away from me. It is not that I think that my life is so hard or unbearable, because I am always able to tell myself that it could be worse. It is simply that when things hit me, they literally hit me hard.

This is very vulnerable of me to share all of this, but all of this hurts me. I can never make up my mind, I feel like I never know when I am right and when I am wrong. And I'm scared, because I feel like I am alone in figuring myself out, while others look at me and think that I'm just being irrational. This is real hurt inside of me, and it has been there for a long time. I need someone's help, I just don't know who to ask. God, maybe. I don't know. I just need to let everyone know that I am not perfect. I am actually rather imperfect. If I act like I am better than you, it is because I am uncomfortable or afraid. It is not pity that I keep inside of me, it is sadness. You have every right to judge me, because, as much as it hurts to admit, I have judged, too. I have done wrong, and I am no better than anyone else. There is not a day that goes by that I even think that I am close to perfect. 

I'm just confused. 

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

It is always a sad time for a writer when they lose their inspiration to write.

 When the raincloud swallows you whole and makes you feel as if happiness is the earth that is being eroded and washed away with every acid drop that life pours down, it is easy to just sit inside a dark house and watch the world crumble through the window. It is all too easy to tell yourself that there is nothing you can do, because honestly- who can stop the rain? It is easy to stay inside and cry, hiding within yourself and the walls sheltering you from the outside elements. It is easy to blame others, blame God, blame fate- blame anyone for the things that you feel are so out of your control. What's hard is accepting that the rain might not stop, now or maybe ever. Realizing that you can't hide inside forever. What's hard is finding the strength to put on your rain boots, grab your umbrella, and walk outside. The rain cannot control you, so why not embrace it? Go ahead, splash in some puddles. The sun might not be out, but you can make your own. What we have to realize is that without the rain and hard things that shower our lives, nothing can grow. Beautiful things can come from heartache.

Don't ever give up, and don't ever be afraid to play in the rain.

My clothing epiphany.

As of today, I have realized that I have come to the point in my life where I really don't care about what to wear. You might be calling a B.S. on that one- but it's true. I have other, less materialistic things that I want to focus on. As long as I am somewhat color coordinated and comfortable, I'm not going to lose sleep over what I am going to wear the next morning. Shockingly enough, I wouldn't mind blending in for a while. I don't feel like being noticed for the textiles on my body. Quite frankly, I don't care if I get noticed at all. The only people that I am interested in noticing me are people who see my potential and can help me fulfill it. I am attending college to learn and find something to do with my life. I'm not paying thousands of dollars to socialize. Now don't get me wrong, some socialization is a key factor to a healthy life. But being the introvert that I am, fulfilling the "college life" stigma is not at the top of my priority list. I am here to impress my professors, not my colleagues. And as long as I am not scantily clad, I doubt that my professors care what I am wearing. If I wanted to impress anyone, it would be myself. Or my boyfriend. Luckily for me, he thinks that I am amazing just the way I am (props to Bruno). I want to focus on discovering what to do with my life. I want to love the earth and help those who need helping. I am more interested in enriching my life than enriching my closet. So give me yoga pants and nostalgic t-shirts. Give me Zak's clothes that I steal from his house and my ugly periwinkle Vibram Fivefingers. My mind is subject to change, but as of now I am standing my ground.

All hail comfiness!

Amazing Grace.

Life is seldom easy. I understand that. I accept it, even. That still doesn't mean that don't wish it to be another way. Where everything is good, wholesome and pure. There are many things that I do not understand- myself included. I would actually put myself at the top of the mystery list quite often. Are people like clay, malleable and ever changing due to the people and things that handle them, with the ability to reshape to the next set of hands? Or are we like slabs of marble, where once we've been carved there's no going back other than natural erosion or someone chipping away at you? I do not know. To the question of whether or not people can change, I say definitely. Absolutely. When you find something or someone that you realize you love more than you love yourself, anything is possible. If you really have the desire to change, you will find a way. Unfortunately, there is no way to change the past. What is done is done. Fortunately, the past is the past. Learn from your mistakes. Know what to not do again. That is the beautiful thing about something so painful; mistakes can be learning tools. If you are ever given a second chance, take it. That is called grace, my friend, and you won't come across it very often on this earth. Grace is a blessing that need not ever be taken for granted. Now we must accept that we are all humans and sometimes we can let our gratitude slip, but constantly be reminded of the gift you have been given. Do everything in your power to keep what you have, because someone gave it to you despite the fact that they had no reason to do so. Grace can not be explained, it is not logical, so save yourself the trouble and don't even try to figure it out. Just accept it and be thankful. Grace is a beautiful thing. Appreciate beautiful things.

Life might certainly not be easy, but gold will shine when it's encompassed with dirt. As Switchfoot brilliantly claims;

"A shadow proves there's sunshine."