Grey.

Grey. 

A seamless blanket

Rolling, pilling

Enveloped by the hazy comfort

     of gloomy afternoons. 

Pour. 

A steady drum

A gentle roll

Wash away the sidewalk chalk

     of people in the street. 

Grey skies

Pouring rain

Let not the sky fall down in vain

We're brought to life

     but though it seems

Life in the rain is but a dream. 

Take my breath away.

Fond memories don't necessarily always have to be those of overwhelming happiness. There are some memories that take you back to a time in your life- when you were naive, when you were a different person, when you had no clue what you were getting yourself into.  Some memories might be somewhat painful, but yet you cherish them because you know that at that moment, you were changed as a person forever.  Sometimes we have to experience pain, hurt, regret, disgust- so that we may look back at ourselves and be thankful for where we are now. These fond memories are what we will look back upon, wishing if only we could go back again.  You know what I'm talking about. "Remember that time when?... Oh, yes. Yes indeed. That was nuts." These moments, whether proudly or less so, will give us something to think back upon and smile about for the rest of our lives.  These moments are vital to our growing up, and teach us lessons about ourselves as people.  So, all of those painfully awkward memories of a time when you didn't have a clue? Just recall fondly, and laugh.  A lot.

I don't know if I know that I want to know.

     Curiosity killed the cat- it is then no wonder that curiosity is giving me heartache.  All I want is to know, but when one is searching for truth there is always the inevitable chance that you will not find what it is that you were looking for- which in turn leads to disappointment and the tiring search for yet more answers that you may never find out. But, to think, would my questions do more harm than help in my defense? It is my personality and true self to ask questions and want to know, so if I did not act upon that would I not be my true self? Or should I hold back for fear of seeming overbearing? I think, then I over think, which in turn leads to me doubting myself and searching for conformation of my insecurities.  Then what if I ask questions and don't get the answers that I was hoping for? What if the answers end up hurting me more than the lack of the knowledge? I suppose those are simply risks that one must be willing to take.  It's a dangerous game- wanting to know everything.  

Someone, please give me a chance.

Whenever I think of myself in the future, I can't imagine myself blending into society, feeling like I haven't accomplished anything great that I've wanted to do. Well, I mean I can imagine myself in this situation, it just hurts me to do so. Of all of the options that I feel like I have available to me to become, I don't find myself wanting any of them. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a business owner, I don't want to be that person that you never hear about. I've had a dream that once a spark, it had the opportunity to catch into a flame, but that fire was put out. Time and time again. What I really want to do, I feel is unreachable for a girl from Richmond with little money. I haven't even let myself see it as an option as I've been growing up, because it would sounds sadly cliché and is well out of my realm. With as much heart as I can say this with- I want to be an actor, on the silver screen. All I want is to be famous.

When I was eleven years old, I heard an ad on the radio for aspiring actors and models of all ages. A talent agency from Ohio was scouting local talent from my area to be represented at the national convention, AMTC (American Model and Talent Competition). Somehow, after begging my Mom to take me and my sister to audition, all three of us auditioned- and all three of us made the cut. We were told that we had "it". I had never been so excited and hopeful in my entire life up to that point. It was a very, very costly ordeal, and my family was struggling financially as it was- my Dad had just lost his job, we had to move and live in a little trailer from my past. We had practically no money, but through the love and support of family and friends the trip was made possible. We received training and had professional photo shoots to advertise ourselves to agents. The convention was held in Orlando, Florida. Thousands upon thousands of contestants were present to show the world what they had to offer. Hundreds of scouting agents were in attendance- modeling, commercial, movie, television- you name it. They were looking for people who had just the right glimmer for what they needed. This was the biggest thrill of my entire life. All I wanted to do was to be on TV. There was a time in the convention when the agents had stands set up, and contestants went around to agent's tables to market themselves. Later we would receive a list of agents that wanted us for their companies. When we got those lists, my heart was racing. I was to afraid that no one would want me. My sister and Mom had maybe one or two agents that had called them back. I looked at my sheet, and I had four agencies that wanted what I had to offer. No words could describe my excitement, the hope that I felt when I saw that list. I was actually good. I was going to be famous, my dream was turning into real life. I was absolutely glowing. I am also unable to describe my hurt, and anger, and anguish, when I was told by my mother that enlisting with an agent was expensive, and that there was absolutely no way that we could afford that. I was absolutely, completely, crushed. I was eleven years old, and I didn't really understand. I just thought it was unfair. I cried. Still to this day, I cry. I see young people, people that are my age, on TV and in movies and all I can seem to think to myself is "That could have been me". It hurts so badly to know that I could have been doing what I love if I had only been able to afford. I had the chance, then the chance was stolen away from me. In no way do I blame it on my family or anyone else, there's not much we could have done.

Now I am attending a college in my home town, knowing that I am getting a college degree for a job that I will maybe only be settling for. All I want is for someone to notice me again. I want to opportunity to go and put myself out there. But honestly, how would I do it? I am going to college, I am a host at a restaurant. I can't just run off and try to live somewhere like New York or Hollywood. I don't have the money. My self esteem hinders me from many things. I don't believe that I would be successful entirely. I need those who tell me that I can do exactly what it is that I want to do, that I can do anything. I don't know what I would do without them.  I am afraid that my whole life I will watch movies and just be dying on the inside because I never got the chance to know. To know, if given the right tools and resources, that I could have made it. I don't want to live with that lingering "what-if" my whole entire life. It's ripping me apart.

I had a chance, and I want that chance back.

The Sound of Silence.

Silence is one of my dearest friends, and yet, she can be one of my greatest enemies. Within the arms of Silence I feel safe; I become less vulnerable when I have Silence. To me, Silence is comfort, a quiet place that I can take myself to where I may be safe within a fortress surrounding my heart. Silence's brother is Solitude, whom I can adore and abhor all at the same time for the way he makes me feel. When I am with Solitude, I am alone and safe from the realms of pain and reality that everyone faces day to day. There was once a time when these two were the greatest friends that I had; they were there for me, they protected me and kept me safe. So often were they the only friends I knew to run to when I felt that no one else could help. But now my friends have become dated, and instead of helping they hurt me, and they hurt those around me. So to these friends who have been holding me back; there was a time when you were well met. But there comes a time when old friends need to learn their place.

To sleep, or to be glamourous? That is the question.

I love the retro/ vintage look. It's just so "me", if I do say so myself. If I was talented enough to sew my own clothing, I would create the most fantastical wardrobe full of color, pretty little dresses, and then my share of flawy hippie attire. Honestly, I dig all of that way more than what the fashion industry of today has been pumping out. If I had the money for such things, my whole closet would be a blast from the past. I would be okay with wearing a dress every single day if need be. I long to be that girl on the outside, because on the inside that is exactly how I feel- not dusty and old (though I do get that feeling often), but rather hip, youthful, and classy! I wish that fashion today was like it used to be in the 40's and 50's. I love the sophistication and the sense of respect women had for themselves when they would drag their ass out of bed and see to it that they looked nice and presentable. Nowadays, we have people showing their faces in public wearing pajamas and displaying dreadful unbrushed hair. Pajamas? In public? My Nanny would have slaughtered me for such a thing. What happened to the days when women actually spent time to fix their hair? I seriously wish that I had that kind of dedication to wake up so early just to have scrumptious hair. Oh, how I am pining for that look of respect and sophistication! Unfortunately, the college life has me rather lazy and unwilling to look so nice and planned out. So, what do I do? Do I continue to succumb to topknots and my love for sleep? Or do I bite the bullet and put in that extra effort to look gorgeous every day? I wish that I had the will power for the latter, I really do. Dressing up and looking nice is something that I love to do- I always have. But the need for sleep and this modern life that I live in seem to overwhelm me. Perhaps I need a spiritual awakening to tell me to snap out of the ordinary and listen to my heart. My old, vintage heart. I really would rather not look lazy, I want to look like I like myself enough that I care about what I look like.

My heart is torn-

Glorious sleep, or self-appreciating glamour?

How she slithered into my heart.

I absolutely love animals; I love watching them and holding them and learning about them. If I could have a hundred different animals I probably would. For the past year or so I've been on a somewhat painful journey to find the right animal for me. Quite frankly, I think that any animal would make me content; unfortunately, I've not always picked the right animals at the right time. Ever since I was born my family has had dogs and cats, which are both splendid, but I like to broaden my horizons. First, I adopted a beautiful white bunny. And I loved it. Well... until I had no time/ room for it. I don't want to say that he was neglected but, poor thing, I kind of kept him caged up most of the time. Do you know how hard it is to bunny-proof a house, or even just a room? Near impossible if you are not prepared and have very limited space. Besides, I had a Boston terrier and German shepherd running around the house. Plus bunny experienced many pillows flung at his cage in my self- conscious stupor. I loved bunny, but he was kind of stupid. After a lot of long, hard decision making mind sessions, I decided to give bunny away to a nicer home. Since this incident of me being a less then stellar pet owner, "Alexis+Pets" has pretty much been a running joke in the eyes of my family. They place bets on how long the poor creatures will last, which quite frankly I do not appreciate. I got a fish- fish are easy, right? Well, it died. Out of nowhere. Zak and I adopted a dog, and thankfully he is still alive and well (HA to you, everyone). I decided that I absolutely needed to have some baby geckos. They were great and so cute- until they died. What the heck, I gave them food and fresh water every day. These things just happen to me. So, in a post- partum depression, I decided that I needed another critter to fill that empty hole in my heart. I went out, looked, then fell in love-- with a three and a half foot long snake. Finally, the pet of my dreams! I'm thinking that maybe a snake is what I need. Doesn't make noise, doesn't have limbs, eats maybe twice a month, and is cold blooded, just like me (wait, what?). I'm excited for this journey, hopefully it will last more than a few months. She's a beauty, and I am trying to figure out a name for her. Maybe Fluffy. 

My name is Alexis Adkins, and I love my snake.